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All reviews - Movies (31)

It's 3 molecules different than cocaine.

Posted : 9 years, 4 months ago on 31 October 2008 11:03 (A review of Thumbsucker)

1. Lou Pucci, being Justin Cobb, is spectacular in this film. He's not that bad ass, I mean he's not THAT good looking - he's definitely not all that. But his skinny and scrawny body makes him something, or someone. Now I want to watch more of his films. :)

2. At first, I thought Thumbsucker was a late '90s film because of it's cover. And I didn't remember this being filmed in the Philippine cinemas.

3. Having a dentist like Keanu Reeves is certainly the shit. He's the charismatic hippie named Perry who insisted that Justin just needs to call on his power animal whenever he feels lonely, or feels like sucking his thumb.

4. Vince Vaughn as the slightly gay debate teacher: well this cracked me up a bit.

5. "Thirteen" was played as one of the soundtracks and I was delighted.

6. I also thought that the whole debate idea resembled the plot of Rocket Science: the male protagonist/stuttering-at-first debater falls in love with the female top debater, blah blah blah. But Thumbsucker's all better.

7. I think the ending is righteous. It's not so comedic but it left me with a blissful feeling. This is worth seeing again. :)

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Welcome to 500 years later!

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 4 October 2008 04:59 (A review of Idiocracy)

On judging Mike:
I’ve always been a fan of Beavis and Butthead and the man behind the duo’s insane antics: Mike Judge. His ideas are always darkly humored and if you’re patronizing that sort of humor, Idiocracy is a rollercoaster ride for you.

On a garbage avalanche:
Private Joe Bauers (Wilson) is described as an “Average American” and with that, the army uses him as a guinea pig for a top secret hibernation program. He doesn’t have a family, is an orphan, which makes him more ideal to be in the program. Another lowlife, Rita (Rudolph), a prostitute, goes in the experiment with Joe. The experiment should only run for a year but then the two are forgotten and then they wake up 500 years later, only to find out how the entire world had become: people are more retarded than zombies! Water is replaced by a Gatorade-like drink. Starbucks becomes a place for erotic hand jobs. The best movie of the year is entitled Ass. A former wrestler/pornstar becomes the president of the United States. Oh, that would be a hilariously living hell!

I’m giving this five dumbed-down stars since it didn’t really invoke the sinister laughter in my gut. Surely, there are a number of very funny scenes. I also think that the whole idea of this movie is not far from happening 500 years from now. Maybe Luke Wilson’s too good-looking for his idiotic role. And as always, Terry Crew’s role is worth-seeing. Actually, he’s the sole reason why I’m giving this a 3. Hahaha.

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Parsimonious Prick Show!

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 4 October 2008 04:57 (A review of Garage Days)

On bitnik punk:
This gloriously comedic flick is about an amateur Aussie band who tries so hard to get a record deal and when they finally had the chance to do so, their suck-o-meter reaches nirvana. Freddy (Gurry) is the front man who, in the beginning, is with the band’s bass guitarist Tanya (Miranda). Joe (Stiller), the lead guitarist, is a deluded freak who, in the beginning, is with Kate (Stange) who gets pregnant with Joe’s baby. But then Joe turns out to be the most parsimonious prick who affords to have a sexual affair with a suicidal queen named Scarlet, who later turns out to be Joe’s bogus sex mate. Moreover, Lucy (Sadrina) is the band’s devilish drummer who works at a pharmacy, does concoctions that produce more vomit than being high. If you put these punks together, they’re as hilarious as hell! And yes, their manager who truly sucks at everything, Bruno (Dyksta), is the epitome of the general circus atmosphere in which Garage Days is all about.

On famine before feast:
The whole band encounters a chain of shitty events as they aspire to be Australia’s number one rock band because, as they all claim, their music is the shit. Almost throughout the movie, you won’t be seeing them perform live. I thought it was a supreme tease so that in the end, I would totally see them rock they eyes out. But then, in the end, their performance will suck like never before. The feast here is not to be taken unembroidered.

On extreme far-outs:
The most hilarious parts in this movie are in the Fun Using Drugs scenes. Seeing Satan crawl up the ceiling, seeing you own parents dance like lunatics, seeing your friend’s head burning, and all that trashy hallucinations! I was literally laughing my arse off alone! Some parts were even Trainspotting-like. Fun, fun!

I’m giving this ten hand grenades of stars since this is the most riotous flick I’ve seen since Dude, Where’s My Car? Plus, Aussie accent is love! I like Pia Miranda, she’s very skinny but super appealing. But the lead character Kick Gurry isn’t that good-looking. His forehead’s too wide, it’s like wider than the other half of his entire face, lol. However, if you’re suicidal-bound, you should see this freaking movie and I bet you’ll get lighthearted afterward. The closing credits video is a bonus as well. Nicely choreographed!

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Pinky Swear + Double Dare!

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 4 October 2008 04:56 (A review of Double Dare)

On the not-so damsel in distress:
It has always been my supernatural dream to be a villainess. Their super high boots are love. And then I get to have a flashy costume. But gah, I hate capes and other paraphernalia of no significant usage. If I were to be a superhero, I’d like to be Catwoman because I love eating fish meat, duh. But seriously, I adore Uma Thurman as Beatrix Kiddo.

On doppelgangers:
Double Dare is a masterful documentary of two marvelous stuntwomen. Jeannie Epper doubled Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman and my girl Zoe Bell doubled Xena. Jeannie Epper is not as pretty as the real Wonder but she definitely kicks ass and so she’s way cooler than Miss Carter. Zoe, on the other hand, was just 18 when she doubled New Zealand’s most famous heroine. Masterful! Later on, Jeannie Epper, who’s already a senior citizen now, for cripes’ sake, still does stunt acts. And my girl Zoe Bell, as you may all know, doubled Uma in Kill Bill. Zoe also starred in Tarantino’s Death Proof. I fell in love with the gal’s coolness in that flick.

I’m giving this ten action-packed stars since I adore Zoe Bell, obviously. I am not a fan of documentary style flicks but this one did not bore me. I usually hate it when Tarantino has a cameo role in his or Rodriguez’s movies but here, he has the right to be since he hired Zoe for doubling Uma. I super like Zoe Bell’s personality. What she was in Death Proof’s Zoe Bell, that is her in real life: crazily daring and utterly cool. She’s ultra-down-to-earth! She’s pretty, she looks like Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore. And yes, yes. She’s the coolest woman I know, as of now. Double dare, pinky swear!

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Uhh, as if!

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 4 October 2008 04:54 (A review of Clueless )

On teenage flicks:
Of course I used to watch these lame sorts of flicks. I liked Drive Me Crazy and Can’t Hardly Wait, not to mention Never Been Kissed and Ten Things I Hate About You. And yes, it was a natural phase. If only Brittany Murphy wasn’t in Clueless, I wouldn’t die to not watch this flick! Uh, as if. Hahaha.

On “whatever”:
I’ll make this crappy review even crappier since I am not a die hard fan of Alicia. However, her walk-in closet is ultimately to die for! Cher is very all that in this flick and she’s too perfect to be described. Her cherry lips are crooked in a nice, sexy way and everything else about her is pretty. She’s a doll. Pretty and dull. I hardly recognized Tai as Brittany Murphy. I liked the gal in Girl, Interrupted and in Sin City and in Riding in Cars with Boys (except in 8 Mile) and she is so hella-ugly in this flick! But I was more engrossed with her team up here with the skateboarder Travis (Meyer) rather than Cher and couch commando Josh's very typical romance.

I’m giving this four hymenally challenged stars since Alicia Silverstone is a virgin who can’t drive. Uh, whatever, as if! Hahaha, oh fecking hell. Clueless' lingo is sick and contagious. Ugh! What the heck.

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Doola and Dawla: They lived in my shoes.

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 1 October 2008 05:13 (A review of Brothers of the Head)

On Siamese twins:
Thomas and Barry Howe are conjoined twins like Chang and Eng. Their mother dies of post-partum and they grow up with their father and sister in a very serene farm place. It was 1970s and medical advancements at that time weren’t that grand to separate them successfully since they share a common pleural cavity. At first thought, I supposed this film was true-to-life since it had documentary style in it. But after seeing the ridiculous flap of skin that connects Tom and Barry via their abdomens, I knew this was wholly make-believe. The grim brothers have their imaginary friends and they chant: Kill me; bury me.

On sex, rock, and roll:
This film, without the documentary shit, is extremely dark and edgy and I like it for that sole reason. The Treadaway brothers are surreal. Having a Siamese twin for a rock band, such as The Bang Bang, is one hell of a freak show! A fantastic freak show, that is. Groupies have the microphones under their panties! Their lyrics are so meaningful,: the lamentable Doola and Dawla, the captivating Two-Way Romeo, and, the very inconsiderate My Friend, You Cunt!-- you feel their grief and frustration, and even mirth, for having been born like that. Tom Howe is the soft-spoken one, he’s the guitarist and he is more attractive than Barry, who was always in-your-face and tactless.

On disturbance:
What disturbed me the most is that the twins managed to have sex with their partners even though they are, well, conjoined. It was like having orgy, a group sex therapy that would never invigorate their entwined fate. And the ickiest part of film is when one of the brain doctors discovered that Barry had this growing lump on the back of his head which the quack believed to be another fetus that has a life on its own. I mean, what the hell, another human being inside one’s brains? I’d rather have my own brains eaten by zombies!

On conjoined death:
I don’t know if I wasn’t focused on the last chapter of the video since I took a nap in between, but I really didn’t understand how the twins died. This film lacked more proofs and bluffs to prolong the viewers’ amusement. Did they kill each other? Did they drink poison like Romeo and Juliet? Did Barry die first? The questions of confusion are never-ending.

I’m giving this seven freakish stars since it had me singing along the catchy choruses of Tom and Barry’s compositions. Maybe I’ll even give a high five for its soundtrack. Doola and Dawla, they live in my shoes. So how come Doola don't come out and play? And how come Dawla don't talk no more? Doola dropped me in it. Dawla poked my eye. Doola made me do it. Dawla made me cry. Ooh, where the hell can I download this shit?!

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From Kitten's best side, darlings.

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 1 October 2008 04:17 (A review of Breakfast on Pluto)

On the cover:
I have seen this DVD at “the stores” for many times but since its cover is in Japanese, I assumed that everything else is in the yellow language and so I procrastinated on buying it. After having a closer look of it, I convinced myself to finally score the video since the cover girl looks like the masterful Uma Thurman, see? And to my awful, side-splitting reaction as I began playing the video, the protagonist definitely belonged to the third gender!

On his stepmother’s shoes:
Patrick Braden is portrayed by Cillian Murphy who also starred in Boyle’s 28 Days Later. Yes, he is good-looking: both straight and crooked. Patrick is an Irish lad who grew up without his parents. He plays guns with his friends Charlie (Negga) and Irwin (Kinlan) but Patrrick obviously prefers his stepmom’s high heels. Patrick prefers to be called Patricia, or more often, Saint Kitten after Saint Patrick’s so-called acolyte. Kitten strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as "Oh!" she shrieks, "I told you, from my best side darlings."

On his very gay journey:
In high school, Kitten wrote erotic essays about how his mother conceived when she was raped by a priest, Father Liam (Neeson). Kitten leaves his Irish town to find his mother who left him when he was only an infant. Kitten encounters Billy Hatchet (Rea) and the Mohawks’ band and she fell in love with the front man. And then Kitten gets discovered by a traveling magician who fell in love with him, or her. Charlie, Kitten’s faithful girl friend rescues him. And then Kitten, having nowhere else to go, works in a peep show. And there, Father Liam, who turns out to be his real father, confesses to him where he can find his mother who looks like Mitzi Gaynor. Later on, Kitten prefers to be called The Phantom Lady.

On the pseudo-Mitzi:
Kitten, dressed as a telephone survey woman, is able to track his mother and he hyperventilates upon seeing her face to face. Ironically, his mother has her own life already and he doesn’t like to torment her. Kitten comes back to live with Father Liam and Charlie, who gave birth with the late Irwin’s baby. But as soon as their sneaky neighborhood knew that Father Liam was housing juvenile delinquents, they literally burned the helpless priest’s house. Oh, tragedy.

I’m giving this eight svelte gamine stars since it was really pleasurable watching a faggot movie without that much nudity, unlike Shortbus. Every film set in the ‘70s is cool to me and here, the oldies but goodies like Chirpy Chirpy Chip Chip and How Much Is That Doggie are definitely classics! Is it waggedy or waggily? Haha. Cillian Murphy’s performance is truly extraordinary! I mean, I mistook him for the beautiful Uma, for fuck sake. He, for a transvestite, is a very sensitive, charming person in the inside. This film is, utterly, a must-see. Neil Jordan had done it again. But this time, there are no handsome vampires on the loose. Only, a slick and sassy cross-dressing dude.

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Bounce Baby Bounce!

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 1 October 2008 04:15 (A review of Bounce Ko Gals)

On whoring:
This film unveils how modern Japanese high school girls delve into prostitution in order to live a life they dream of. Fucking Prada and Gabana, these make their worlds go round. They fuck (either their customers or boyfriends) and then they do abortion as if the tiny beings inside their tummies were like fecal matter waiting to be excreted by some soulless abortionist. Boo to abortion! The little bitches date old, horny men who aren't capable of dating sophisticated ladies. The little whores sing karaoke with the bastards and in exchange, the horny men pay them thousands of yen. The witty sluts are, indeed, wise. They manage to rob the oldies even without fucking them. The little fuckers electrocute their clients and then, wallah, they get their steaming, cold cash.

On friendship:
Yes, this film is very honest it gives proof to “truth hurts.” However, this also tells the short but compelling amity of three girls. Risa Chan is desperate to earn her lost money for New York and so Raku Chan convinced her to date some dirty, old men via Jonko Chan's supervision. The movie reaches its climax when these little whores get beaten by lecherous men and surprisingly sympathetic yakuzas. Their friendship, though it was very short-termed, made me tearjerky in the last chapter, despite my ignorance of their language. Thank you, English subtitles.

I'm giving this film eight oriental stars since it never went boring. I have always been infatuated with Japanese culture and this, certainly, made me want (more and more) to experience Japan before I die. The photo sticker booths are love! Their school uniforms are to die for! But the icky used-panties store is ewwy. This made me nostalgic as well. I miss my Nihonggo lessons. :|

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Beating Hearts Like Morse Code

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 29 September 2008 01:15 (A review of A Very Long Engagement)

On Sire Jeunet:
I so adore Jeunet's masterpieces ever since I saw Le Fabuleux Destine D'Amelie Poulain which, by the way, I’m itching to write a review for. Jeunet’s (or whoever is responsible for it) cinematography is brilliant: so vividly delightful to the senses and almost Lomography-like. I love his pacing and his well-written script, even though French is fucking hieroglyphics! He always integrates comedy in his films and with that, he is, again, utterly brilliant. He reiterates his choices of actors, like other god-like directors (Burton, Boyle, etc.); it was like Jeunet = Tautou or Pinon.

On triple Ms:
Mathilde (Tautou), although crippled by polio, is engaged with her childhood lover Manech (Ulliel). Their love story is very endearing, despite the very vintage and almost boring setting of it. They would go to the top of the church or to the lighthouse and Manech would carry Mathilde on his back. And then they make love, really made love, and they fall asleep: Manech’s right hand still on Mathilde’s right breast. And it wasn’t malicious at all. There’s always a fine line between lust and love and they are the fine line. But then, love stories aren’t made to be perfect. Their engagement turned into a series of unfortunate events when Manech was sent into the war. Mathilde, because of Manech’s lengthy absence, learned to satisfy her carnal cravings on her own. But soon, after her long wait in dearth and vain, Mathilde sought for her sole lover and she soon learned that Manech has probably died in the stinking trenches of Bingo Crepuscule. But she never stopped hoping. Manech will marry Mathilde!

On cameo roles:
Jodie Foster, as Elodie Gordes, had a not so long cameo in this film. Her French was awkward but her role was fine. Marion Cotillard was also here, she was the very fierce Tina Lombardi who murders everyone who hurts his “Angel from Hell.” She regrets nothing but her hair. She is decapitated in the end.

I’m giving this ten amnesiac stars since it totally ruptured my peeve for war movies. Every aspect of it, I loved. The if and then thinking of Mathilde is almost like me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. And ooh, “Doggie fart, gladdens my heart,” is really tickling! I would definitely watch this video again and again. I wish I had seen this long ago though.

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Beauty or Something Unlike It

Posted : 9 years, 5 months ago on 29 September 2008 01:12 (A review of American Beauty)

On a dirty, lame-o disposition:
I know, this movie is so last decade! This has been aired on HBO for innumerable times and since it is that popular, I never bothered watching it anymore. Maybe it is just another teen movie, I told myself. And now I'm gravely mistaken. Lester Burnham (Spacey) is the shit! His psychotic perverseness is absofuckinglutely way overboard. His horny thoughts are sick: he jerks off in the shower and on the bed and he fancies drools over a super aggressive cheerleader, Angela Hayes (Suvari). But Mr. Burnham’s perverseness is super weird and titillating, he became factually mirthful.

On a bitch-on-wheels:
On the other hand, I fucking hate Carolyn Burnham (Bening) since everything about her is so infuriating: her constant nagging, her awful taste of dinner music, her freaking voice, her fucking facial expressions, and her impeccable covetousness. She made the role very likely for her and so the lady gets a ten for her fabulous (over)acting.

On cheer sex:
Suvari’s performance is ruthless, as well. She talks about fucking non-stop and in the end, she is this hornified cherub dying to be deflowered by a mentally depressed psycho, yes, Mr. Burnham. However, I’ve always liked Suvari. Though she projected a very sexy, naughty, bitchy role in American Beauty (she even showed her breasts for cripes’ sake), I still like her. She said, “I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.” And we all are ordinary. We are all at our worst.

On extreme opposites:
Jane Burnham (Birch) is very ordinary, at least for me. Her love story with Ricky Fitts (Bentley) is, however, stellar and that’s solely because of the guy’s coolness. An amateur videographer who vends and smolders pot and who thinks that there is beauty in almost everything in the world is surely a glorious find.

I’m giving this ten ailing stars since it sickened me in a very amusing manner. The finale of this movie is its climax. I adore the coiled fate of Mr. Durnham and how he was murdered in the last chapter. He flashed this eerie smile minutes before his brains got inoculated, as if he pulled off nirvana or something unlike it. The distorted rose petals scene is absolutely menacing. The Swastika plate literally had me on goosebumps. And the flying plastic video is purely amazing. But there’s negatives vibes: the yucky weight training and dysfunctional marriages.

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